“Will This Movie Make My Wife Cry?”

Every relationship has its secrets, but when my wife told me hers shortly after we said, “I do,” I kissed a longtime love goodbye.

I have a vivid memory of sitting at her parents’ house and watching a Johnny Depp shoot-em-up movie. We were dating at the time. While the screen flickered on our faces like thematic machine guns, she turned to me, perked with enthusiasm, and with red sauce on the corner of her lip, she said those beautiful words that would’ve made any man fall in love with her.

“I love pizza and beer.”

Wow, I thought. A gorgeous woman who loves pizza, beer, and movies like Public Enemies.

I knew I had to marry her. So, I did in January of 2014, but, after we married, something changed…

Don’t get me wrong, I love her more today than I did four years ago. She is kind, intelligent, funny, talented, and thoughtful. All of these attributes and more I’ve uncovered through marriage like the diamond treasures that shimmer in her grassy eyes.

But, the truth is, she doesn’t like shoot-em-up movies. She never has.

She doesn’t like Public Enemies. And, even worse, she never did. I was tricked into marrying a rom-com as if my life were a freakin’ rom-com.

As we cuddled in the ashes of the scorching truth, I found a movie we could watch together that wasn’t a shoot-em-up and wasn’t a rom-com. Perfect compromise, right?

I found The Butler.

My, oh my, how she wept at the closing credits. Having been a husband for a whopping two months, I patted her like I would a lost child at a Chuck E Cheese.

I was determined to make a wiser pick for the next movie night. I got Frank And Robot. 

Did you catch that? It’s called Frank And Robot. How sad can it be? It’s a movie about a cute old man and his robot pal. Homeward Bound would be a sadder choice. It’s called Frank And Robot! 

My, oh my, how she wept at the closing credits. Having been a husband for a whopping two months and now one day, I comforted her with the same confidence I’d have had I been hugging a stranger at a check-out counter.

So, that’s how my wife taught me to love rom-coms. Eventually, I’d even learn to change the channel quickly before any commercial that features an old man or a dog made her cry, and a little after that, I figured out how to actually be a good husband sometimes.

As a movie buff, I’ve often searched the world wide web for a site that would help me determine the likelihood that a certain movie would make my wife cry. It could be called something like willthismoviemakemywifecry.com.

I’m not sure why I’m so afraid of crying. I can count the times I’ve cried in my adult life on two fingers, but that’s not because I’m some emotionless brute. I am actually deeply emotional and highly sensitive. I think my aversion is due to some thought instilled in me from a young age that men don’t cry.  Now, the few times I feel tears welling up, I habitually make a stupid joke to distract myself. In reality, I know it is good to cry, and I wish I could better embrace that aspect of expressing emotion. If only my wife and I could be a pair of weeping willows together at a movie like Toy Story 3.

I can’t find any such website as willthismoviemakemywifecry.com, but if you decide to make it, please let me know. In the meantime, we’re sticking with rom-coms and slapstick stupidity, but, at least we’re together. And maybe I can learn to cry. Either way, pizza, and beer never get old.

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