How To Hunt For Bigfoot And A Make Male Friend

The male friend is one of the rarest human subspecies in the world. More often than not, he goes unnoticed, only emerging from his man-cave to battle in the savage common ground known as the workplace. His travel is limited. He is often antisocial. Height, weight, and hairiness can vary from beast to beast. He hibernates often.

He is not easy to find, often dodging the far-off dirty lenses of low-quality polaroids, but, if you are lucky enough to catch one, cherish him. A bond with a male friend can benefit you in a myriad of ways as they are often loyal, funny, and wise. When life gets tough or your fan gets covered in shit, he will be a pillar of support to you and a faithful friend.

So, if you’re looking to hunt one down, try these tips and strategies.

Start by finding a can, bottle, or glass of beer. A half-full vessel is a sure sign one may be near as he will rarely leave alcohol unattended to. Like a mama bear to her cub, a male friend protects his beer with a certain viciousness preserved for extreme situations.

After ensuring he is not around, get close, and examine the mouth of the can, bottle, or glass of beer.

Is it warm to the touch?

Can you see his lip print?

Can you smell him?

The male friend emits a variety of odors, but in his natural state, he smells like a walrus on a treadmill with a family history of Trimethylaminuria. Smart ones, however, bathe and cover the stench with gallons of cologne.

Now, if a beer is left unattended to and the mouth is still warm, it is likely he has gone to relieve himself. Find the nearest restroom and investigate. Get close, and examine the seat of the toilet.

Is it warm to the touch?

Can you see his butt print?

Can you smell him? 

Perhaps, when you enter the restroom, you’ll be so lucky to see him standing at a urinal in which case you must tread softly.

Be extremely careful. You do not want to scare him off, and it is easy to do so. Carefully follow these five rules for proper urinal etiquette:

  1. If at all possible avoid neighbor-hosing; the act of relieving oneself at a urinal next to another man doing the same. Leave a space or take a stall stand.
  2. Don’t talk to him, don’t look at him, don’t acknowledge his existence!
  3. Do not look at his wiener.
  4. If you do, don’t get caught.
  5. Don’t pass gas while peeing. That’s gross.

Despite this highly sensitive non-interaction, it is vital that you don’t allow him to escape. Remember the mission: to catch a male friend. 

Follow him at a comfortable distance, and when he stops or sits down, inch toward him with the delicacy of a disguised pig at a pig roast. Then, with the use of the traditional head-nod, make the platonic noise of the male friend.


At this point, you have three options to finalize the hunt. Option one is to punch him in the shoulder while making a your-mama joke. Option two: you can simply say the word “sports.” Or, option three, you may opt to wrap your arms around him, giving him the most intimate bear hug. However, do not–do not–try both option two and option three at the same time. That is the mating call.

So that is how you catch a male friend! You’re welcome.

In the end, just remember that men need friends. As we get older, busier, and more family-focused, it can be easy to let the efforts of maintaining relationships simmer on the backburner. While they require interest, intention, and investment, meaningful friendships are vital for our day-to-day health, and no matter how much we try to avoid dependency on others, it is a key component to survival in this life. 

Whether you try these tips and strategies or not, figure out a way to prioritize making and maintaining friends.

If you’re in Michigan and enjoy BYOB and ping-pong, check out


I Wish I’d Stayed In Touch With Friends

Quick Tip: I Love You, Man

31U: Rob




7 thoughts on “How To Hunt For Bigfoot And A Make Male Friend

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