How To Stay Miserable With A Glass Of Milk

Here is another helpful tip on how you too can stay miserable. This time, using a glass of milk.

Go to your dining room table and pour yourself a glass of milk. It can be skim, 2%, Vitamin D, straight from the clutch of Bessy’s udder, or any hipster non-dairy option like coconut, soy, almond, or water. Be sure to grab the biggest glass you own and fill it to the absolute brim. Sitting down, completely still, with the milk placed in front of you, stare at it with such intensity you nearly pass out. When you feel the time is right, lift an arm slower than a sloth and direct it with your pointer finger like E.T. phonin’ home. Inch the tip of your finger to the topside of the glass. Upon making contact, tip the thing over, spilling the milk.

Take a deep breath. That was the hard part. Now, you can let yourself go…

Flail your body on the table as if to swim your soul through the sad puddle of milk. Your beloved milk is spilled. YOUR BELOVED MILK IS SPILLED. Weep! More! Let the tears flow like Niagara. “Why me? Why me?” you should blubber, soaking in milk, tears, and snot, and making spider webbed netting every time you open your miserable mouth. Claw your fingers on the table as if raking the milk in agony and smack your hands sporadically like a wailing baby in the bathwater. Weep. Weep. WEEP. Let it out like Juliet for her Romeo. Let it out like Andy for Woody after sitting through Toy Story 3. Let it out!

You’ve certainly heard it said before, “Don’t cry over spilled milk.” That’s bogus advice to the student of misery. When something throws off your daily groove like Emperor Kuzco pre-llama, be sure that it ruins your day, maybe even your week. It could be something as small as a canker sore, a stubbed toe, an awkward interaction with somebody else, or stumbling on your ex’s moved-on Facebook profile. Let it ruin your day, give it the reins, and hand over the control of your emotional well-being. Weep!

Any little event is big enough to ruin your day. Certainly don’t commit to moving on through the small stuff, spending your energy where it really matters. And definitely don’t recognize when you have control and when you don’t. You are a victim of this world, through small things and all. Don’t think anything otherwise. Weep over spilled milk. If you don’t, you might be a lot less miserable.

P.S. that’s a lot of sarcasm. Don’t do that. Do the opposite. Try not to give power to small things that don’t matter in the end. Invest your emotional energy where it counts. Take a breath and start learning how to reset more quickly. 

And I’m definitely not saying, “just get over it.” Certainly, when dealing with a mental illness, it can be painfully difficult to not fret the small stuff, I know. A fantastic place to start is by trying to recognize what little things set you off and then challenging your perspective in those moments. Rate the situation from 1-10, 1 being small and 10 being huge. Just starting to recognize mental habits helps. 

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