How To Stay Miserable Using A Hammer And Nails

If you’re miserable right now, you surely didn’t get there alone. Oh, maybe you did. Here’s how to stay miserable using only some basic home improvement materials and tools.

Go to your nearest Ace Hardware, Home Depot, or Lowe’s. Just kidding, you stay inside. Hire a little peasant boy to run for you and toss him a shilling out of your window like Ebenezer Scrooge for a turkey on Christmas Day. After shouting your orders to little peasant boy and tossing said shilling, recede like the oily waters of Pearl Harbor back into the deep shadows of your home. Little peasant boy should buy loads of wood planks, a hammer, and more nails than the whole Saw series.

When he has returned from the errand, he should find your front door cracked open and hear your distant voice wailing for him to leave it all in the living room. He must not turn on any lights or open any blinds. When he is most certainly gone, whoosh to the door like the Phantom of the Opera and lock it behind him. Now, you can get to work. Taking the wood planks, hammer, and nails board up your home like Mel Gibson in Signs, assuming all creatures outside are malicious aliens who want to take over a planet that is over 70% water because they’re allergic to it…? Anyway, board up every window and door.

While hiding in your new cave, be sure to take the hammer to your phone, computer, and any other communication device in the home. If you want to be miserable, you must lock out every human connection possible. This leaves you victim to your own mind, not having a means of talking your struggles out with anybody who loves you. Isolating yourself also limits any opportunity to help, serve, or love someone else. Usually doing that makes you less miserable.

When you isolate yourself, not only do you rob the world of the good you bring to it, you rob yourself. Community threatens your misery by offering the love, support, and encouragement of loved ones. And having an outside perspective will only tempt you to rise above the dark waters, where, if you want to be miserable, you’ll want to stay. Certainly don’t share your sorrows with loved ones or stay in touch with your closest friends. Don’t pursue counseling or doctoral help, mentorship or a community who can relate to you. And definitely don’t seek out ways, no matter how small, of showing your love and care to the people in your life. You would probably be a lot less miserable.

PS. That’s a lot of sarcasm. Don’t do that. Do the opposite. Don’t isolate yourself but practice opening up to others and leaning on friends and family. The anticipation is always more daunting than the event is bad. It will be good. Trust your friends and your family more and trust your own head less.


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