Oh, depression, let us wallow! Last week, I wrote a post called 2 Ways To Stay Miserable In The Face Of Affirmation. It is a how-to of sorts explaining how you can maintain misery, if you just put your mind to it. Here are two more strategies to staying miserable, this time, using magic:
1. Read People’s Minds
Get into mind-reading. Be a regular Professor X. Next time someone starts talking to you, sh-sh-sh them with the side of your pointer firmly pressed against their muttering lips. Feeling their saliva moisten your finger, close your eyes and hum the tune of an obscure lullaby. Then read.their.freakin.minds. This tactic also works when you’re talking to someone who has the active listening face of a moon rock. Instead of immediately getting insecure, give it a minute, read their minds, and then embrace the overwhelming insecurity. You don’t need to know what they’re thinking or what they might have said because you can freakin’ read their minds! And since the goal is to stay miserable you tell them what’s in their heads.
Chances are you’ll sense they were thinking you look stupid today; you’re a big ol’ doof. Maybe they think you’re a bad parent or just kind of stupid in the head or as funny as Carrot Top on an off day. Maybe they think it’s super weird you sh-sh-sh’d them or they called you a Cotton-headed-ninny-muggins. It doesn’t matter what you think they think as long as you embrace what you think they think as absolute reality.
When you make a habit of unfairly assuming what others are thinking and dubbing your assumptions as reality, you are on a fast-track to becoming miserable. There are two key strategies with this approach: (1) don’t let other people speak for themselves and (2) always assume they are thinking the worst about you instead of the best. Create a negative story in your head; not a positive one. And always assume that they’re actually thinking about you. How can someone ponder something so boring as their dirty laundry at home, their own insecurities, or themselves in any capacity?
Rely solely on your own assumptions and insecurities making sure that the voice in your head is much louder than anyone else’s. That’s how mind-reading leads to misery.
2. Predict The Future
Another way to attain misery is to buy a crystal ball. The one used by the Wicked Witch of the West was likely sold at her estate sale and is lingering now somewhere among the creeps on Craigslist. You could also check Walmart. They have everything. Even if you don’t have a crystal ball you can still predict the future.
The key with this strategy is to imagine the worst possible scenario for the future and hold onto it as fact. Your anxiety will overwhelm you with doomsday schemes and end-of-the-world plots that will drag you further into the realms of misery. And really, fortune-telling isn’t hard. The answer to everything is, “it’s gonna be bad.” Have a test coming up? Boom. It’s gonna be bad. Raising a child? Boom. It’s gonna be bad. Going for a promotion at work? It.is.going.to.be.bad. Doctor’s appointment? Bad! It’s all gonna be bad, bad, bad and it’s that easy.
As long as you pretend you can predict the future beyond a shadow of a doubt, you’ll be miserable. This strategy pulls you out of the moment, weakening your power today with needless sorrow about tomorrow. Never mind that no one can actually tell the future. If you convince yourself that you can then you, my friend, will find true misery.
So, by using magic, there are two more strategies to finding misery in your life. You’re welcome. Of course, you probably already try to read minds and/or predict doom for the future. If so, keep going! You can truly be miserable by pretending you have these special powers. It would be awful if you actually assumed the best about what others are thinking, creating a positive narrative in your head instead of a negative one. And definitely don’t embrace the present, trusting the future to the moment with the understanding that we cannot predict the future but we can prepare ourselves today for whatever comes tomorrow. If you did that, you would probably be a lot less miserable.
PS. That’s a lot of sarcasm. Don’t do those things. Do the opposite. You don’t have to be miserable and you’re no mindreader or fortune-teller. Try to assume the best instead of the worst when it comes to others and your future. You have no reason not to! Recognize these tendencies in yourself and address them.
Have suggestions on how to stay miserable? Tweet me @DaddingDepressd or comment below.